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I went through a long period of time where I didn’t talk much about my miscarriages and struggles getting pregnant because honestly, sometimes the “well meaning” responses were more painful for me. I almost felt discredited by people saying “at least…”, “it’s better because”, “my mom ,my friend, my neighbor, etc had a miscarriage….” and then moving onto the next friendly topic to discuss because they were uncomfortable sitting in my pain with me. Someday I may want to hear about your neighbors experience, but today, I just want you to tell me that you’re sorry my heart is broken. Please validate my emotions, or at least don’t dismiss them (even though miscarriage must be the most common thing in the world based on the statistics you’ve shared). Or, worse yet, please don’t try to one up me here and share how your story or your friend’s story was worse than mine. I promise I will try to never discredit your pain with my story either.

I have many friends who have miscarried, some who have lost pregnancies to stillbirth (after the 20 week mark), and some who have carried full term to lose a baby. I also have friends who have lost infants, toddlers, and even older children. In my own life, I can’t imagine much worse than losing a child, and I pray every day that the 2 beautiful babies I do have will be safe and happy. I have miscarried 5 times; at 7 weeks, 10 weeks, 11 weeks, 14 weeks, and 16 weeks, and I can say that they didn’t get harder or easier based on length of gestation. I was devastated with a few, totally heartbroken with others, and almost expecting one loss. I don’t know what’s “worse” to go through, I just think they are all horrible and this is painful for me right now. Frankly, I don’t think there is one “worse”. True, it’s “lucky” that I didn’t have to experience a full pregnancy to lose my child, but honestly, as much as I hate to admit it, I have been jealous that you got to feel your baby move, you get to name your baby and hold your baby and have molds made of their hands and feet. You get to say you had a “real” baby that you lost, and I just fall into the stat of a miscarriage. I’m sure women who lost a full term baby wished they could have just heard a cry, touched warm skin, and whispered their love into that tiny, innocent ear. I’m sure someone who loses an infant wishes they could have seen their little personality develop, see what hobbies and talents they possessed, and witness their first steps, first day of school, and juggle a wiggly toddler. I’m sure parents who lost a child wish they could see how they would have lived up to their potential, who they would have dated and married, what they would have studied, and what paths they would have followed.

Again, there really is no “worse”. The truth is, we all just want more than what we had. We wanted another day, another opportunity to love them and let them know we loved them. We weren’t ready to let go, and it’s ok to admit that. I wanted child, but I would have even loved holding a baby for 2 seconds in a validated, serene setting, but then I don’t know if I could have or would have handled that better…